Talking About End‑of‑Life Wishes: Conversation Starters and Tips

Featured answer:
Honest conversations about end of life aren’t just about funerals and wills. They’re about reducing panic when someone falls, gets a difficult diagnosis or can’t speak for themselves. Talking now makes sure your loved ones know where important documents are, what kind of care you want, and how to honor your values. It’s a kindness to yourself and the people who love you.

Why talk about it?
Growing up in a tight‑knit Latino household, we were taught to work hard and show up for each other, but we rarely talked about feelings or death. When my abuela’s health declined, we had to guess where she kept her paperwork and whether she wanted to stay at home. Some siblings thought she wanted every possible treatment; others wanted to focus on comfort. We argued and cried, and we felt guilty afterwards. I saw similar stories in my work at Hims & Hers and at Real: families scrambling because they avoided these talks. Those experiences are why I started Kinnect. Planning ahead doesn’t mean you’re giving up. It means you’re giving yourself and your family clear guidance and more time to focus on saying “I love you.”

Talking about end of life is also about practical tasks. It’s about knowing where passwords are, how to access bank accounts, and whether Mom wants her favorite music playing in the hospital. It’s about making sure Dad’s military service is honored in his service. Having these talks early prevents misunderstandings and regrets.

Good moments to start

• After a major life change like marriage, buying a home or welcoming a new baby
• When someone you know dies or goes through a serious illness; these events can prompt reflection
• During a hospital stay or after a fall, when the fragility of health is clear
• While cleaning out an attic or sorting old photos, when memories and stories naturally surface
• Around holidays or family reunions, when everyone is together and in a reflective mood
• In everyday moments like a walk, a drive to the store or cooking together, when the mood feels right

How to have the conversation

• Start by telling them why this matters to you. You might say, “I want to make sure we honor your wishes and don’t have to guess later.”
• Ask permission to talk and let them know they can stop at any time. This shows respect.
• Choose a setting that feels safe and comfortable. A kitchen table, a garden or a quiet porch can be better than a busy restaurant.
• Use stories. Share a memory of someone whose wishes were known and how it helped the family, or someone whose lack of planning created tension.
• Offer your own thoughts first. Saying, “I’ve been thinking about what I would want if I got sick,” makes it less like a lecture.
• Listen more than you speak. It’s okay if there are tears or long pauses. Let them process.
• Take notes or ask if you can record the conversation (with their permission). This helps you remember details later.
• Follow up with written documents—like a living will or a health care proxy—so your discussion turns into something actionable.
• Continue the conversation over time. Views can change as people age or go through new experiences.

Questions to ask

• “What would make you feel most cared for if you couldn’t speak for yourself?”
• “If you were facing a serious illness, are there treatments you know you would or wouldn’t want?”
• “Who should make decisions if you can’t?”
• “Do you want to stay at home if that’s possible, or would you feel safer in a hospital?”
• “What traditions, songs or prayers should we include if we had to say goodbye?”
• “Are there special items you’d like to pass on to someone in particular?”
• “Are there legal documents, bank accounts or online passwords we should know about?”

If someone isn’t ready

• Acknowledge the emotion. “I know this isn’t easy, and I don’t want to rush you.”
• Explain why planning matters. Use examples of how not knowing caused stress.
• Suggest they think about it on their own and choose a time to revisit.
• Share resources like the National Institute on Aging’s conversation guide or pamphlets from a local hospice.
• Offer to involve a neutral person like a doctor, counselor or faith leader if that makes them more comfortable.
• Remember that some cultures avoid these topics. Be patient and try again later in a way that feels respectful.

Do we need a lawyer or doctor present for these talks?

Not at first. The goal here is to understand values and wishes. Later, when you create a living will or appoint a health care proxy, it helps to consult a professional.

Can plans change?

Absolutely. People change their minds. Revisit your plan after big life events or at least once a year. Update documents so they stay current.

Is this only for older adults or people with illnesses?

No. Anyone over eighteen can benefit. A car accident or sudden stroke can happen at any time. Planning doesn’t mean you expect the worst—it just means you’re prepared.

What if my loved one refuses to talk at all?

Respect their choice for the moment. Let them know why it’s important to you and ask if you can try again later. Offer written guides they can read privately. Sometimes people need time to warm up to the idea.

Where can I find tools to help?

Kinnect’s What Matters Most reflection tool guides you through gentle questions and produces a summary you can share. It’s free and private: The National Institute on Aging provides a helpful conversation guide as well.

Closing‍

These conversations might stir up tears or laughter, but they make a difference. They make sure we honor our parents, grandparents and ourselves the way we want. At Kinnect, we’ve seen how clarity eases caregiving and strengthens family bonds. Omar’s experiences in telehealth and with his own family taught us that planning is a gift. We hope this guide helps you start a talk that brings peace, not panic, when it matters most.